“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Gaslighting is what happens when love turns into emotional mind games—so sneaky, you don’t even see it coming until you’ve already lost your grip.
It’s not just a trendy word from social media. It’s real. It’s dangerous.
And it hides behind things like “I love you,” “You’re overthinking it,” and “You’re too sensitive.”
I’ve seen it in my hypnotherapy practice. Clients who used to be confident and clear-headed now question everything—from what they said yesterday to whether they’re even sane.
They’re not broken. They’ve been messed with.
Gaslighting doesn’t start with yelling or name-calling. It starts with small things:
“That’s not what I said.”
“You always make things up.”
“Wow, you’re being dramatic.”
And slowly, it chips away at your confidence. You stop trusting your thoughts. You doubt your feelings.
But what exactly is gaslighting? Let’s break it down—without the fluff or the psychobabble.
Gaslighting is psychological manipulation designed to make you question what you remember, what you see—and whether you can trust your own mind at all.
They twist your words. Deny things they said. Rewrite what actually happened—then act like you’re the crazy one for even bringing it up.
As science fiction writer and novelist Philip K. Dick observed:
“The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words.”
By controlling language, the act of gaslighting distort your reality, leaving you in a state of perpetual doubt. It’s not just lying. It’s lying with the goal of making you feel confused, small, and unsure of yourself.
The word comes from a 1944 movie called Gaslight, where a husband tricks his wife into thinking she’s losing her mind. He hides things. Moves stuff. Dims the lights—then swears it’s all in her head.
Classic.
But today, gaslighting doesn’t need candlelight or drama. It can show up in texts. In fights. Even in sweet moments that leave you feeling strangely off.
I’ve had clients sit across from me in sessions saying things like:
“He said it was all in my head.”
“She convinced me I was always the problem.”
“I started recording conversations—just to prove to myself I wasn’t imagining things.”
That’s the power of gaslighting.
It doesn’t hit you like a slap. It sneaks in like a whisper—until one day, you stop trusting your own voice.
The issue with gaslighting is that it doesn’t immediately manifest as warning signs. It shows up in slow drips.
It starts with tiny things. A strange look. A backhanded compliment. A disagreement that leaves you feeling more confused than angry.
You brush it off. You tell yourself, “Maybe I misunderstood.” Then it happens again.
But instead of trusting your gut, you start giving them the benefit of the doubt. Why? Because it’s someone you care about.
Someone who says they love you. And love makes us want to believe the best—even when the evidence says otherwise.
I’ve heard it over and over in sessions with clients:
“It didn’t feel right… but they made it sound so reasonable.”
“They always had a way of flipping it back on me.”
“I thought I was being too emotional or too sensitive.”
Gaslighting works because it’s slow, subtle, and sometimes it is wrapped in affection. It’s not just manipulation—it’s manipulation that wears a smile.
And by the time you realize something is off, you’re already second-guessing yourself so much, you don’t even trust your instincts anymore.
So how do you spot gaslighting before it screws with your head completely? Here’s what to look for.
One of the first signs you’re being gaslit is when you start to question your own words. It’s like someone puts a little “Are you sure?” bug in your head every time you speak.
You tell them a story about your day, and suddenly they say, “I don’t remember it happening like that.” Or worse, “That’s not how it went down.”
You’re not crazy—but the more they do this, the more you start wondering if you really said things the way you thought you did. Is your memory that bad? Did you mess it up somehow?
It’s a subtle tactic, but it’s also one of the most effective. The more you second-guess yourself, the easier it is for them to control the narrative.
One of the most frustrating aspects of gaslighting is how quickly it morphs into denial.
It’s not just about saying something false. It’s about changing the past and pretending it never happened.
They’ll say stuff like, “I never said that.” Or, “You’re just remembering it wrong.”
It doesn’t matter if you know for a fact they said it. If they can twist the truth enough times, eventually you’ll start questioning your own memory.
In fact, this is where gaslighting gets really sinister. It’s a game of rewriting history—until it’s so distorted that you’re the one left feeling like a liar.
As author and psychologist Dr. Robin Stern writes in her book The Gaslight Effect:
“The victim is led to believe that their reality is wrong and that they are the ones who are ‘crazy.’”
You’ll even start doubting your basic perception of things, wondering if the world around you is just as messed up as they claim. And that’s precisely what they want.
When you’re being gaslit, every conversation feels like a minefield. You never know which word or topic will set them off.
You catch yourself trying to “manage” their mood. You tailor your words to avoid conflict, afraid of the consequences if you say something they’ll twist.
It’s exhausting. You’re constantly adjusting yourself to fit their version of reality—and it leaves you mentally drained.
As the famous psychologist Carl Jung once said:
“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”
But in the gaslighting scenario, you’re not even allowed to accept yourself in the first place. Instead, you’re forced to deny your own feelings and perceptions.
And for what? To keep the peace with someone who’s constantly manipulating the truth?
Over time, this tension builds, and what was once a healthy, honest relationship becomes a game of emotional survival.
Here’s the messed-up part: when you finally do speak up about how you’re feeling, they somehow make you feel like the bad person.
You bring up something that hurt you, and suddenly it’s:
“Why are you always so sensitive?”
“You’re overreacting—again.”
“Can’t you just let things go?”
Classic gaslighting move: deflect, downplay, and dump the guilt on you.
It’s emotional jiu jitsu—they flip the whole conversation until you’re the one apologizing.
I’ve had hypnotherapy clients tell me things like:
“I’d leave every argument thinking I was the problem… even when I wasn’t angry to begin with.”
Gaslighting thrives on guilt. The more you feel like you’re walking on a moral tightrope, the easier it is for them to take the high ground.
And the moment you stop trusting your own right to speak up, they’ve got you exactly where they want you—silent, uncertain, and easy to control.
Here’s how a gaslighting argument usually ends:
You bring up a valid concern → They flip the script → Suddenly, you’re apologizing.
It doesn’t matter what it’s about—your feelings, something they did, or even actual facts. Somehow, you end up being the “difficult one.” Or the “toxic one.” Or the “drama queen.”
They’re the emotional escape artist. And they’ve got one job: make sure they’re never the villain.
And you? You start internalizing it. You question if maybe you are the one causing all the chaos. Maybe you really do overthink. Maybe you are “too emotional.”
Spoiler: you’re not.
You’re reacting like any sane person would if their reality was being steamrolled daily.
As bestselling author Brené Brown, known for her work on vulnerability, shame, and emotional resilience puts it:
“Blame is simply the discharging of discomfort and pain.”
By the time they’re done with you, you’ll be taking responsibility for everything—including their bad mood and the weather.
Gaslighting doesn’t just mess with your mind—it messes with your whole ecosystem.
And one of the sneakiest tactics? Isolation.
It starts with comments like:
“Your friends don’t really get us.”
“Your family is always trying to come between us.”
“You’re better off not telling people about our problems.”
And just like that, your support system starts getting smaller.
I’ve had clients who slowly stopped seeing friends, stopped calling their parents, and even stopped sharing things at work—all because the gaslighter convinced them that everyone else was the problem.
Here’s why that matters: Isolation is fuel for gaslighting. Because when you’re cut off from people who care about you, you lose access to reality checks. You stop hearing:
“Wait a second, that’s not normal.”
Instead, you’re left with one version of the truth—theirs. And it’s always twisted in their favor.
It’s not just manipulation. It’s strategic control.
And if you’ve ever found yourself defending your partner to people who genuinely care about you, take a beat. That’s not love—that’s damage control.
Gaslighting isn’t just cruel—it’s personal. And when it gets personal, they start turning your passions, fears, and vulnerabilities into ammunition.
You open up to them—because you trust them. You share your insecurities, your childhood wounds, your dreams, and your doubts.
And then one day, mid-argument, they drop this gem:
“No wonder your dad left. You’re impossible.”
“You’re never going to be successful with that attitude.”
“Everyone pretends to like you. I’m just the only one honest enough to say it.”
Yeah. That level of below-the-belt.
I’ve had clients sit in my chair and whisper:
“How did they know exactly what to say to break me?”
Because you told them. You trusted them. And they took that trust and weaponized it.
This is one of the cruelest layers of gaslighting: they use the best, most human parts of you—the things that make you you—and twist them into reasons why you should doubt yourself.
Let’s be real. If love feels like walking through a landmine made of your own secrets…
It’s not love. It’s psychological warfare.
Gaslighters are masters of distortion. They’ll take something you said and spin it into a narrative that suits their agenda.
You might say, “I felt hurt when you ignored me at the party,” and they’ll retort, “You’re always so sensitive. I was just talking to my friends.” Suddenly, your valid feelings are dismissed, and the focus shifts to your supposed overreaction.
This tactic is a form of psychological manipulation where the abuser misleads the target, creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality.
Over time, this constant rewriting of events can lead you to doubt your own memory and perception, leaving you feeling confused and questioning your sanity.
Gaslighting isn’t 24/7 abuse. That would be too obvious.
No, gaslighters are smarter (and scarier) than that. They mix moments of warmth with emotional chaos—like a toxic cocktail you keep sipping because every now and then, it tastes like love.
One minute they’re cold, distant, or downright cruel. Next minute? They’re charming. Apologetic. Maybe even romantic.
They’ll say:
“You know I love you. I just get frustrated sometimes.”
“I didn’t mean it. I was just tired/stressed/having a bad day.”
And you want to believe it. Of course you do.
Because when the good moments hit, they hit hard. Like a drug, right?
That little emotional high keeps you hoping the good version of them will stick around. But it never does.
This emotional whiplash creates a trauma bond. Psychologists call it “intermittent reinforcement”—a reward system so unpredictable it makes you cling to the relationship harder, even when it’s clearly destructive.
“It’s like gambling with your feelings,” one of my clients told me. “Every time I was ready to walk away, they gave me just enough hope to stay.”
And that’s the real danger. Gaslighting doesn’t always feel like war. Sometimes, it feels like almost being loved.
This is the gut punch—the one that shows up late but hits the hardest.
You wake up one day and think, “What happened to me?” You used to laugh more. Speak up more. Feel things fully.
Now? You’re quieter. Hesitant. On edge. You second-guess everything—from what you wear to what you feel.
You don’t trust your voice anymore because someone kept telling you it was wrong. You don’t set boundaries because someone convinced you that doing so makes you selfish or dramatic.
One client told me:
“I don’t even know what I like anymore. Everything I did was about making them happy… or avoiding a fight.”
Gaslighting doesn’t just twist your reality—it slowly erases who you are. If someone chips away at your identity until you can’t even hear your own voice anymore—that’s not love.
When someone controls the way you see the world long enough, they start controlling the way you see yourself.
That’s emotional erasure. And yes, it’s a relationship deal breaker.
If any of those 10 signs made your stomach drop, good. Not because I want you to feel that way, but because recognition is the first step toward reclaiming your life.
Gaslighting thrives in silence. In shame. In the belief that maybe you’re the problem.
You’re not. But you might be the one holding the solution—because once you see the game, you stop playing it.
That’s what I help my hypnotherapy clients with—unlearning the lies they’ve absorbed and reconnecting with the part of themselves that still knows the truth. The part that says:
“This isn’t love. This is control.”
You might feel broken, but you’re not.
You’re bruised, sure. Confused? Absolutely. But underneath all that, there’s still a version of you who remembers how to trust yourself.
And the moment you start listening to that voice again—even if it’s just a whisper—that’s the beginning of freedom.
If these hits close to home, don’t ignore it. Start small:
And most importantly, stop waiting for them to change. They won’t. But you can. Because the dark side of love doesn’t have to be your story.
Not anymore.
DISCLOSURE: In my article, I’ve mentioned a few products and services, all in a valiant attempt to turbocharge your life. Some of them are affiliate links. This is basically my not-so-secret way of saying, “Hey, be a superhero and click on these links.” When you joyfully tap and spend, I’ll be showered with some shiny coins, and the best part? It won’t cost you an extra dime, not even a single chocolate chip. Your kind support through these affiliate escapades ensures I can keep publishing these useful (and did I mention free?) articles for you in the future.
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